Sitting in the car after riding my bike one morning, 6.08 miles in 53 minutes. I am working towards a goal to ride 6 miles in 30 minutes. It'll happen, it's just a matter of time. After texting a friend, that familiar longing arose. She mentioned her dad, I sat back and gazed out the window, then began to imagine my own self saying the same thing. It's like going through the stage's of grief and landing right back on bargaining. Wishing and hoping it wasn't factual, that I too could have my dad there for support. I allowed the tears to flow, at times looking around to see if anyone was around. Not wanting to engage in the awkward conversation of "are you okay?". Short answer: yes. Long answer: "I'm just missing my dad, he died Dec 24th, 2011, and a text triggered an emotional response." They may offer condolences or may not understand. Either way, it's not necessarily the conversation I wanted to engage in.
It continues to be a journey. A friend told me that time doesn't make it easier, you just learn how to cope with it differently. I don't know if you ever just get over losing someone. I do understand that death is a much apart of life as living is. Some days are just a little more difficult than others. My therapist definitely helped me shift my perspective from anger to acceptance. Instead of thinking about what my dad would have missed, imagine what he would say or how it would feel if he did get to experience the moments. For instance, me graduating with my master's degree or even moving all the way down to Tallahassee. It would have been great to take yet another picture hopefully with the same theme of green and reppin' for the Steelers (see the pictures below) at graduation. All in all there are many events and life occurrences that happened within the past 10 years. What I do know is that he would be proud, which is all that matters at the end of the day.
